DeFede Columns

MIAMI (CBS4) ― Who do I see to get back the 45 minutes of my life I just wasted dealing with Miami-Dade's 311 system?

I hate 311. I've hated it from the moment it was put into existence several years ago. It is bureaucracy run amok. If Dante added a tenth Circle of Hell to his Divine Comedy it would involve calling the county's 311 system.

In case you are not familiar with 311, let me explain. The idea is not without merit: Have one number that anyone can call to find what he or she needs in the county. The problem is 311 operators are just middlemen. Their job is to route you to the folks who can help you.

So even if you know the department you need, and you dial that county department directly, chances are your call is going to be bounced back to the 311 operator who will then try to find you a new number for the same department you were calling to begin with.

Let me explain by using my own experience.

I wanted to speak to Dade County's Property Appraiser Pedro Garcia. So I went to the county's website and took the time to look up his number on my computer. According to his website it is 786-331-5321.

I call the number and I hear a recorded message: "Thank you for calling Miami Dade's office of the Property Appraiser."

I am then asked to push "one" for English, "two" for Spanish, and "three" for Creole. I push "one," and I am automatically transferred to another number where I am greeted with yet another recording: "Welcome to Miami Dade 311."

Essentially, I have taken one step forward and two steps back.

Eventually a 311 operator comes on the line and asks me for my address so that, I am told, she can "provide me with excellent service." I don't want to give her my address. I tell her my address has nothing to do with my call. I just want to talk to the Property Appraiser.

"Well," she says, "we handle calls for the Property Appraiser."

"But you are not the Property Appraiser," I say. "I want to talk to the actual Property Appraiser."

She places me on hold and after about a minute, I suddenly hear a loud, screeching, busy signal in my ear.

So I hang up and start over again. I dial 786-331-5321. "Thank you for calling Miami Dade's office of the Property Appraiser." Push one for English. Listen to the nice recording about the 311 system and, before long, I am greeted by a new 311 operator who asks me yet again for my address so he can "provide me with excellent service."

I repeat my desire to reach the Property Appraiser. Once again I am placed on hold and after several minutes he comes back and he gives me a new number to dial: 305-375-4008.

I dial that number and it is busy. I try again. Busy. This goes on for five minutes and every time it is busy.

I dial 786-331-5321. "Thank you for calling Miami Dade's office of the Property Appraiser." One for English. "Welcome to Miami Dade 311." New operator. Wants my address. Excellent service. Yada yada yada. Tell him my story. Number always busy. He places me on hold before coming back and saying the only number he has is the 305-375-4008.

I dial 305-375-4008. Busy.

So now I go back to the Internet and look up the other numbers listed for the Property Appraiser's Office. I find a number for Agriculture Tax Exemptions. I call. Eureka! A human being answers the phone who actually works in the Property Appraiser's Office.

I tell him I am trying to reach his boss. Unfortunately, he explains, the appraiser works in the downtown office and I had called the branch office in South Dade. I pleaded with him for help. "Don't make me talk to the 311 people again," I beg.

The emotion in my voice startles the man. He places me on hold and after a short time offers me a new number to dial. I thank him profusely. "Good luck," he tells me.

Hands trembling, I dial the new number. "Thank you for calling Miami Dade's office of the Property Appraiser." Although I know this is the same recorded message as before, something about it sounded different.

I'm positive my call is now being routed along a different path. I get excited. This is it. My long nightmare is almost over. I wait anxiously for the sound of a real live person inside the actual downtown office of the Property Appraiser.

The line goes quiet. The anticipation is almost too much to bear. I can feel my heart pounding in my chest. I hold my breath. And then …

"Welcome to Miami-Dade 311."

"Noooooo!" I scream at the recorded message.

I try the 305-375-4008 number again. Busy.

I try it three more times.

Busy. Busy. Busy.

I think about giving up. I dial the 786-331-5321 again. "Thank you for calling Miami Dade's office of the Property Appraiser." One for English. "Welcome to Miami Dade 311." Pause. Yet another 311 operator – my fourth – comes on the line wanting my address so she can "provide me with excellent service."

At this point I have come completely unglued and demand to speak to a supervisor. When a supervisor comes on, I tell him I am now doing a story on how much I hate the 311 system. At which point he tells me that since I am a member of the media he is not allowed to speak to me. He gives me the number for the county's media relations department.

I hang up and let loose a string of expletives that would make Andrew Dice Clay blush.

I dial the 305-375-4008 number again. Still busy.

Fearing my head is about to explode, I begin a series of deep breathing exercises. Mentally I go to my happy place – a beautiful, peaceful field where that girl from the Crazy Town video Butterfly flitters about. ("Come my lady/ Come, come my lady/ You're my butterfly/ Sugar baby") I can feel the cool breeze on my face. I continue to breathe deeply, exhaling all of the bad energy.

I decide to give it another try. I'm sure that if I just take a moment and talk to the 311 folks like they were actual human beings they would understand. Maybe there was another number they could give me.

No need to be angry, I think to myself. Life's too short.

I dial 786-331-5321.

"Thank you for calling Miami Dade's office of the Property Appraiser."

I take another deep breath. I push "one."

"Thank you for calling Miami Dade 311."

Hmm, I think to myself. That's a different message. Instead of saying, "Welcome" it started with "Thank you."

Maybe something good is about to happen.

"Our customer services office is currently closed," the message explains. "Office hours are Monday through Friday, 8 am to 4:30 p.m. Please call back during normal business hours."

I look at my clock. It is 4:31 p.m.

I place my head on my desk and close my eyes.

"Come my lady. Come, come my lady. You're my butterfly. Sugar, baby."

I repeat it over and over until the pain in my temples subside.

Just before 5 p.m., I decided to give 305-375-4008 one last try. And guess what? It rang.

"This is Pedro Garcia," the man on the other end replied.

"The Pedro Garcia," I replied.

"Yes," he said.

I now know what Stanley felt like when he found Livingston. I swear to God I almost cried.

Now ultimately the problem may have been with the appraiser's office. Why that line was busy for the better part of an hour, I have no idea. But I've had this experience before with 311 where I feel like I am just wandering aimlessly in circles.

Instead of getting from Point A to Point B I first have to go through Point C.

Maybe I'm the one who is nuts. Maybe 311 is the greatest advancement at County Hall since the hidden offshore bank account. But for me I like the old days when you dialed a number and you actually talked to the person you wanted to talk to.

For me that would be excellent service.

(© MMIX, CBS Broadcasting Inc. All Rights Reserved.)

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