DeFede Columns

MIAMI (CBS4) ― Although it increasingly seems unlikely that a new vote by mail will actually take place, I have a few suggestions on how they can add a little excitement and glamour to the idea that might actually save it before it is scrapped.

Unlike a typical election which would be overseen by the state Department of Elections and the various county election supervisors, this contest would be a private affair managed by the party. That means the most important player in any re-vote will be the accounting firm Florida Democrats hire to ensure that the ballots are collected and counted accurately.

And as the Enron scandal taught us, accounting firms are not infallible.

Which is why I think they that if Democrats are going to do this, they should do it right and hire Brad Oltmanns and Rick Rosas at PricewaterhouseCoopers.

Who are Brad Oltmanns and Rick Rosas?

Well, they are the accountants who oversee the balloting for the Academy of Motion Picture Arts and Sciences.

That's right, they are the accountants for The Oscars,

In fact, I think Florida Democrats should adopt an entire Oscar theme to this new vote. Oscar voters, for instance, are sent copies of the nominated movies along with their Oscar ballots. Well, then why not have every Florida Democrat receive, along with their new ballot, a DVD from the campaigns with debate highlights and speeches from both Hillary Clinton and Barack Obama? Imagine the behind-the-scenes extras both campaigns could include.
   
Once the votes were counted, in addition to being awarded the state's delegates, the winner would also be handed a lovely statuette which I'll call The Demy.

And since we're voting anyway, why not go ahead and add a few more categories on the ballot. Such as:

Best Gaffe By A Supporting Surrogate
   
And the nominees are:
    Bill Clinton for injecting race into the campaign just prior to the South Carolina primary by noting how Jesse Jackson won the state in 1984.
    Michelle Obama for saying that this is the first time in her adult life she's proud of the United States.
    Geraldine Ferraro for saying the only reason Obama is where he is today is because he is black.
    Samantha Power for calling Hillary Clinton a monster and suggesting Obama wasn't serious about pulling troops out of Iraq.
    Robert L. Johnson for his comments about how in the past Obama "was doing something in the neighborhood" – a reference to Obama's prior use of drugs.

Best Costume Design
   
And the nominees are:
    Barack Obama for his traditional Somali white robe and headdress as featured on The Drudge Report.
    Hillary Clinton for her Ann Taylor navy blue pantsuit with accompanying white pearls and seen repeatedly on the campaign trail.
    John Edwards for his Joseph Abboud dark blue business suit and red tie from any of the debates.
    Dennis Kucinich for his blue pinstripe business suit and red tie from the Junior Boys Collection at Sears

Best Campaign Theme

And the nominees are:
    Hillary Clinton for The Inevitability of Victory.
    Barack Obama for Change.
    Hillary Clinton for The Tearful Underdog Who Found Her Voice.
    Barack Obama for Hope.
    Hillary Clinton for Experience/Ready on Day One.
    Hillary Clinton for The Fighter
    Hillary Clinton for Scary, Scary World: The 3 a.m. Phone Call
    

Best Campaign Theme By A Losing Candidate

And the nominees are:
    John Edwards for Rich Versus Poor
    Dennis Kucinich for End the War Now
    Joe Biden for Actual Experience
    Chris Dodd for Actual Experience Minus Biden's Charisma
    Bill Richardson for Worldly Knowledge
    Mike Gravel for The Crazy Old Guy


I think you get the idea.

Once all of the ballots are cast, the Democrats could have a big, red carpet event to announce the winners. In a pre-Demy broadcast, Joan Rivers could fawn over Elizabeth Kucinich asking her who designed her gown (Vera Wang) and then turn to Nancy Pelosi and ask her where she bought her shoes. (Payless)

The actual televised event could be hosted by someone like Jon Stewart or David Letterman. ("Uma, Obama. Obama, Uma.") There would naturally be big-name presenters from both politics and show business. Just picture it, to hand out The Demy for Best Foreign Language Commercial by a Campaign, out would stroll Hardball's Chris Mathews accompanied by Mary Carey from VH1's Celebrity Rehab.

"Gee, Chris, it sure has been a crazy year in politics," Carey might say in that stilted manner of most awards shows.

"It sure has, Mary," the unctuous Mathews would reply. "We've had sex scandals, tears, race baiting and political back stabbing."

"Yep," Carey would agree, "I haven't seen this much infighting since I was a guest host on The View."

"Haaaaa!" Mathews would bellow, as the audience roared

Naturally, at some point in the evening, the accountants Oltmanns and Rosas, would be introduced.  They would be dressed in tuxedoes, holding a stack of envelopes with the names of the winners. They would smile and nod as the crowd applauded and for the first time in a very long time Floridians could believe the results were true and free of mistakes.
The evening would end with the big prize, Best Candidate, and no matter who won, Obama or Clinton, the acceptance speech would likely be very different than we are used to hearing. Hopefully, the candidates would echo the award show feel and not make some boring political speech, like Sally Field did when she won the Emmy last year. Instead it could be very simple.

"Oh, my God, I'm so surprised. I really didn't think I'd win. Oh my God, you have no idea how bad I have to pee. This is crazy! I didn't prepare anything. Okay, okay, I've got to thank, ummm,  my campaign manager and my chief fundraiser. You are both amazing, I wouldn't be here today if it wasn't for you guys. Oh, I think I'm going to cry. This is so amazing. Oh they are giving me the signal to wrap up. Of course, I'd like to thank everyone who voted for me, and my parents for believing in me. This is for you mom. And naturally my husband/wife. I love you babe. We did it. We did it!"

Ideally, if this plan worked in Florida, I think both parties in four years should consider turning the entire national primary system into one giant award show.

After all, it makes about as much sense as the current system.
 

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